Avoid pretense to avoid dissapointment

Talking to some people the other day, revisited the thought which should be an integral part of one's character. The key is to think long term and not short term. This would help in keeping the understanding in every relationship grow stronger, last longer. So how exactly does pretense harm relationships and why we shouldn't get into that trap and ruin something we value and live for.

When you pretend to be in a fashion that pleases someone you care for, its apparently nice and makes the person in context happy with you. So if its a short time fling, it works wonders. However if you are serious and thinking a long term association, shade off that pretense and expose yourself the way you are. It would help in many ways. To start with, it would help the other person judge you on your qualities (everyone has them, needs to be nurtured and exposed) and not on your pretense. This would help the cause that they will never face unpleasant surprises when your real self is exposed, which may not be bad/evil, but it may be different from what you have been exposing. The other person may or may not like/accept it, so it isn't worth to put your relationship at risk.

Yes, sometimes we are compelled to tell white lies, but the effort should be to keep it as low as you possibly can, since it makes your relationship transparent. You exactly know the person and it helps in bonding. Keeping an air of ambiguity leaves the other person guessing giving room for unwanted suspicion. So why take that risk with someone who matters to you so much.

The other disadvantage lies within you, when you start feeling that if you do x things to make that other person happy, which is a result of your pretense, why can't the other person reciprocate. What you don't realize is that you know that you are pretending to be nice, but the other person is taking you at face value and hence isn't aware of the extra effort involved. This doesn't mean you keep reminding the person the things you do for them, just make it transparent and any sensible person can pick them up, it's not rocket science. If they can't, then they aren't worth it. So don't build up that expectation riding on the pretense.

Sometimes, people's pretense works in reverse fashion wherein their real good self is hidden behind a wall of harshness primarily due to past experiences and hurdles. They are afraid to expose their real self since the same makes them vulnerable and prone to heartbreaks. However, the true way to enjoy life is to live the way you really enjoy life without pretense, it changes the entire outlook of things across the spectrum.

Silence of Words....

Often we wonder why people who are close to us don't understand what we say. We can express ourselves in ways more than one but then people just not get it. They do understand or pretend to understand. Those who pretend are worse from those who at least try to understand, at least make an effort to understand. Its also true that if we express ourselves more than we should, it looses it's importance and that's when we should go silent. We should let our silence speak for us.

There is a saying - If someone doesn't understand your silence, they won't understand your words. Its not that they aren't concerned or caring, they are but then it takes more than that to understand silence. A lot can be said or heard by silence. The tough part is when you expect the other person to understand your silence, and it doesn't happen. The challenge is to handle such a situation which is quite tough when it comes to control the mind. We can't say a word, suck in all within our mind and expect the other person to understand, which is a tough proposition. People in today's life are too fast and focussed on other aspects and relationships are mere just a support system to achieve other goals of life. Its also true that in today's life you can't make the relationship also a goal for life, since there are other important goals to achieve.

The key to strike a balance between our relationship and other goals around it and work out a way so that we can understand those who matter to us and to whom we matter. Goals in life keep changing, but sometimes if we fail to understand the silence, the silence lasts forever...